my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
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i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
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It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon