Redeem this text for a blowjob
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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