I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
