so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
