you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I did not marry a roomba.
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