If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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