I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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