Is it normal to miss your booty call?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
