Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
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