if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
