chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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