Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
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She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
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who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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