If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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