found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
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My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
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you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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