doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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