Don't make out with my wife yet
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
