my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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