If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
