Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
