You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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