and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
