Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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