This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
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You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
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Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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