I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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