I hope mine doesn't look like that
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
