The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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