There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
