My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
