the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
