Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
