I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
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Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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