I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
