We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
