apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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