Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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