He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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