Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
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Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
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I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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