i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
