Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
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Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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