My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
