I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.