Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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