My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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