im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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