Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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