well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
