I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
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Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
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