you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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