I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
