the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
