On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
40s are totally the cure
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
